Monday, May 29, 2006
11:10 PM
its ironic that I have found my solace through other means other than you.
11:10 PM
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Just had to take time out from my horrendous vacation to do this:
10:28 PM
Just had to take time out from my horrendous vacation to do this:
hApPy BdAy
to the best sister in the world: JOCELYN!!!
for 6 and a half years of one of the bestest and truest friendships i've ever had. You've been there for me THROUGH IT ALL!! you know what i go through and you know how i think. Ours is one of the few friendships i've had where distance doesn't matter. Time doesn't matter. All that matters is that i know your always there for me. I hope your having the BESTEST time in TAIWAN! and dear lord. YOUR LEGAL! who knows what escapades will occur to us while we're legal this year! craziness is bound to increase! I LOVE YOU!
to the best sister in the world: JOCELYN!!!
for 6 and a half years of one of the bestest and truest friendships i've ever had. You've been there for me THROUGH IT ALL!! you know what i go through and you know how i think. Ours is one of the few friendships i've had where distance doesn't matter. Time doesn't matter. All that matters is that i know your always there for me. I hope your having the BESTEST time in TAIWAN! and dear lord. YOUR LEGAL! who knows what escapades will occur to us while we're legal this year! craziness is bound to increase! I LOVE YOU!
10:28 PM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
3:41 PM
so i hit the fork in the road. The crossroads of my current life. Which path should I take? the favoured road although brand new? or the experienced road of frustration and "love"? with both i smile but the emotions are no longer the same. What does my heart tell me to do?
Im trying with no avail. No response. Surprisingly, i truly am letting go. Letting go of my insecurities, letting go of the protective nature that I have come to develop. I simply do not care as much as I used to knowing that my words have no affect anyways. The decision is becoming easier and easier by the day and if something doesn't change, im afraid of what the end result may be.
____________________________
- the world tends to unfold as it should -
Im trying with no avail. No response. Surprisingly, i truly am letting go. Letting go of my insecurities, letting go of the protective nature that I have come to develop. I simply do not care as much as I used to knowing that my words have no affect anyways. The decision is becoming easier and easier by the day and if something doesn't change, im afraid of what the end result may be.
____________________________
- the world tends to unfold as it should -
3:41 PM
Thursday, May 25, 2006
4:23 PM
a brief hiatus for 8 days as I bask in the southern sun and lie in exasperation about this horrendous trip and the predicted frustrations that lie ahead.. can anyone come up with a legit excuse for me to stay in TORONTO? (that my parents will buy that is)
_____________________
behind every great love is a great story
what's ours?
_____________________
behind every great love is a great story
what's ours?
4:23 PM
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
now that I think about it, the past does shape who you are. Your experiences, your aspirations and your failures. Those mold you to become who you are. At work today, i spent a little time reading things that I have received from the past. From way back. Little instances that I have forgotten and for a brief moment, I remembered what I felt way back when. Remembered how I spoke, how I wrote, what I felt. 'Twas nice! very different from who I have become and in some cases i am grateful that I was able to overcome obstacles and achieve what I have. Its hard to let go of the past, yes I know. But sometimes, venturing into your past isn't that bad.
10:06 PM
now that I think about it, the past does shape who you are. Your experiences, your aspirations and your failures. Those mold you to become who you are. At work today, i spent a little time reading things that I have received from the past. From way back. Little instances that I have forgotten and for a brief moment, I remembered what I felt way back when. Remembered how I spoke, how I wrote, what I felt. 'Twas nice! very different from who I have become and in some cases i am grateful that I was able to overcome obstacles and achieve what I have. Its hard to let go of the past, yes I know. But sometimes, venturing into your past isn't that bad.
10:06 PM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
10:56 PM
is a smile through illegitimate means still considered a smile?
Its so refreshing to talk to people who know my culture and know my background well enough to understand what I go through. Reconnecting with your roots can actually be fun and to speak to someone who can see it through your eyes is definitely something I enjoy. It makes me proud to be filchi.
________________________
You are anti everything I ever hoped for. So why do I care so much?
________________________
10:56 PM
Monday, May 22, 2006
even though we're over it, even though I've forgiven, the thought is still enough to bring me tears.
and its a thought that, sadly, will linger on forever...
____________________________________
...And just like that, a smile is brought to my face again...
3:40 PM
and its a thought that, sadly, will linger on forever...
____________________________________
...And just like that, a smile is brought to my face again...
3:40 PM
Thursday, May 18, 2006
To be brave is to love someone
unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give,
that takes courage
because we don't want tofall
on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
Madonna
9:57 AM
unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give,
that takes courage
because we don't want tofall
on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
Madonna
9:57 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I'm tired.
Tired of all this. Tired of pleasing people and not pleasing me. That's my downfall isn't it? That's what you told me once. That I'm a people pleaser and you said that scared you. Well, now it scares me too.
It's gotten to a point where I am not allowed to pursue the things I want but I am forced to do the things I hate. Seriously, Im going to be burnt out at the end of the summer. I'm forcing myself to do things I don't enjoy. Forced to play something I don't enjoy and obviously don't have a talent for. Forced to partake in a sport that I have clearly been discouraged at for how many years now? And yet they insist on spending that money on something I don't enjoy.
Tired, weary, drained, exhausted. Im just sick of everything right now. I'm sick of keeping my emotions in and giving up myself just so that others are happy. I'm sick of enduring accusations and not doing anything about it. I'm sick of putting up with what other people tell me to do and keeping silent while not being able to ask people to do things for me. It's almost as if anyone can ask me to do anything and I'll make an effort to get it done but when I ask someone to do something for me, I'm pushed aside and left to fend for myself
those who say they care for me the most are the ones that leave me hanging. Those who care for me the most can ask me to do anything. Those who care for me the most expect me to be perfect. Well I'm not. I'm human, I am capable of making mistakes
The way I see it, I'm paying for all my mistakes. Suffering the consequences of all my actions that I have done without thinking. Even petty mistakes I pay for. Its hard for people to forgive me when i make a mistake. Well you know what? Im suffering. I live in torment. I've suffered the hearbreak. I've suffered the pain. I've cried my tears. I've broken down, I've paid my dues. I know I made mistakes in the past, and I will still make them but I'm tired of always being the one who has done something wrong.
I am expected to be perfect. It seems like I am constantly letting people down. Letting them control a part of me. Allowing me to let a part of me go down with them. Slowly, Im losing my mind. And I don't even realize it.
So here are my final apologies *anonymously* :
We were best friends but I let that go. I let you down. I hid things from you and I was not honest with you. I'm sorry for jeopardizing the friendship. Im sorry for taking you for granted. I'm sorry for expecting too much from you. I expected you to always be there for me and when i didn't have your support, I turned my back. I let you down and for that I'm sorry. I know you still don't trust me whole heartedly now and sometimes think that our friensship was a sham but know this, for how long it lasted, we had the best friendship I could have asked for
We're family you and I. We spent many days together and at one point, i was the only person you could trust. Then i left you and neglected you. Literally. I ditched you for others and somehow I always thought that you were always the little guy that would always be there. You grew up. And I missed it. You craved someone to talk to, who would listen to you as you went through life's struggles. And I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there when you needed me the most. You cried out for me and I didn't listen. I'm sorry. I let you down and I've learned my lesson. I promise to always be there for you from now on.
the most turbulent relationship was between us. The extreme highs and the extreme lows. At one point, I thought we conquered it all. But we didn't. Who knew this would be the worst. I hurt you. i lied to you. I destroyed the friendship and destroyed the trust. You expected things from me and I didnt fulfill. I took you for granted and didn't realize the value of your friendship until it was gone. Gone for good. I cried the most for you and paid the consequences. I don't know what else I can do but say my final sorry. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me just like you did once before.
and to you. Possibly the best thing that has happened in my life. You brought me joy when I needed it. You brought me laughter. Brought me support. Through my troubled times, you were there for me. You let me experience something I have never experienced before. A love worth living for. During the days when I am so down, you always manage to bring a smile to my face. Everything I could possibly hope for I got from you and I know that this is real. There have been many times where I made you doubt. Made you question. Made you worry. I know I ask for too much sometimes but you always manage to fulfill them. You've hurt me but you've also loved me. Given most of you to me. You complete what I was missing and for that I am forever grateful. My love, my soulmate, my heart. It pains me when you are upset. Im sorry for making you wait. Im sorry for making you worry. Im constantly irresponsible and Im sorry for not thinking before I act. I'm never going to ask anything from you because I'm giving all of me to you. I am capable of forgiving but I never forget. I've been hurt, but I let it go. Now Im asking you to do the same. For my small, petty mistake. i love you
1:11 AM
I'm tired.
Tired of all this. Tired of pleasing people and not pleasing me. That's my downfall isn't it? That's what you told me once. That I'm a people pleaser and you said that scared you. Well, now it scares me too.
It's gotten to a point where I am not allowed to pursue the things I want but I am forced to do the things I hate. Seriously, Im going to be burnt out at the end of the summer. I'm forcing myself to do things I don't enjoy. Forced to play something I don't enjoy and obviously don't have a talent for. Forced to partake in a sport that I have clearly been discouraged at for how many years now? And yet they insist on spending that money on something I don't enjoy.
Tired, weary, drained, exhausted. Im just sick of everything right now. I'm sick of keeping my emotions in and giving up myself just so that others are happy. I'm sick of enduring accusations and not doing anything about it. I'm sick of putting up with what other people tell me to do and keeping silent while not being able to ask people to do things for me. It's almost as if anyone can ask me to do anything and I'll make an effort to get it done but when I ask someone to do something for me, I'm pushed aside and left to fend for myself
those who say they care for me the most are the ones that leave me hanging. Those who care for me the most can ask me to do anything. Those who care for me the most expect me to be perfect. Well I'm not. I'm human, I am capable of making mistakes
The way I see it, I'm paying for all my mistakes. Suffering the consequences of all my actions that I have done without thinking. Even petty mistakes I pay for. Its hard for people to forgive me when i make a mistake. Well you know what? Im suffering. I live in torment. I've suffered the hearbreak. I've suffered the pain. I've cried my tears. I've broken down, I've paid my dues. I know I made mistakes in the past, and I will still make them but I'm tired of always being the one who has done something wrong.
I am expected to be perfect. It seems like I am constantly letting people down. Letting them control a part of me. Allowing me to let a part of me go down with them. Slowly, Im losing my mind. And I don't even realize it.
So here are my final apologies *anonymously* :
We were best friends but I let that go. I let you down. I hid things from you and I was not honest with you. I'm sorry for jeopardizing the friendship. Im sorry for taking you for granted. I'm sorry for expecting too much from you. I expected you to always be there for me and when i didn't have your support, I turned my back. I let you down and for that I'm sorry. I know you still don't trust me whole heartedly now and sometimes think that our friensship was a sham but know this, for how long it lasted, we had the best friendship I could have asked for
We're family you and I. We spent many days together and at one point, i was the only person you could trust. Then i left you and neglected you. Literally. I ditched you for others and somehow I always thought that you were always the little guy that would always be there. You grew up. And I missed it. You craved someone to talk to, who would listen to you as you went through life's struggles. And I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there when you needed me the most. You cried out for me and I didn't listen. I'm sorry. I let you down and I've learned my lesson. I promise to always be there for you from now on.
the most turbulent relationship was between us. The extreme highs and the extreme lows. At one point, I thought we conquered it all. But we didn't. Who knew this would be the worst. I hurt you. i lied to you. I destroyed the friendship and destroyed the trust. You expected things from me and I didnt fulfill. I took you for granted and didn't realize the value of your friendship until it was gone. Gone for good. I cried the most for you and paid the consequences. I don't know what else I can do but say my final sorry. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me just like you did once before.
and to you. Possibly the best thing that has happened in my life. You brought me joy when I needed it. You brought me laughter. Brought me support. Through my troubled times, you were there for me. You let me experience something I have never experienced before. A love worth living for. During the days when I am so down, you always manage to bring a smile to my face. Everything I could possibly hope for I got from you and I know that this is real. There have been many times where I made you doubt. Made you question. Made you worry. I know I ask for too much sometimes but you always manage to fulfill them. You've hurt me but you've also loved me. Given most of you to me. You complete what I was missing and for that I am forever grateful. My love, my soulmate, my heart. It pains me when you are upset. Im sorry for making you wait. Im sorry for making you worry. Im constantly irresponsible and Im sorry for not thinking before I act. I'm never going to ask anything from you because I'm giving all of me to you. I am capable of forgiving but I never forget. I've been hurt, but I let it go. Now Im asking you to do the same. For my small, petty mistake. i love you
1:11 AM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
swimming, bowling, hot pot, poker = FUN!!!
whee! last night was GREAT!! must do it more often...
missing veeTEE though.. booo....
No work today. Does anyone need lifestyle management??
11:35 AM
swimming, bowling, hot pot, poker = FUN!!!
whee! last night was GREAT!! must do it more often...
missing veeTEE though.. booo....
No work today. Does anyone need lifestyle management??
11:35 AM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
the feel of steel brushing through my fingers
the silent yet powerful slide representing class and glamour
the explosion of a commnique announcing its presence
the sleek and sophisticated armour protecting its core
the crisp canvas displaying reality
living in denial until now that you are truly gone. Once a part of my life, you will be sorely missed.
Goodbye, my nokia 8800. May you be at peace wherever you are.
11:37 PM
the silent yet powerful slide representing class and glamour
the explosion of a commnique announcing its presence
the sleek and sophisticated armour protecting its core
the crisp canvas displaying reality
living in denial until now that you are truly gone. Once a part of my life, you will be sorely missed.
Goodbye, my nokia 8800. May you be at peace wherever you are.
11:37 PM
_____________________________
Mother's Day. A day to embrace moms for who they are and what they give to this world out of nothing but love. A day to remind ourselves why we are in this world in the first place and how we became who we are. Mothers, no question are the ones that grow more fond of their children. Something I seem to have forgotten lately is how frail my mother could really be and how much she actually gave me. All i've thought about is how she's annoying, naggy, and unreasonable forgetting that everything she does is for me. She's given me everything I could ever ask for and more but yet I still stick with my stubborn head and one sided perspective. I act for self-preservation and self-fulfillment never asking about what is best for her. I am thankful for such a great person that I can proudly call my mom. We have this unbreakable bond that not all mother-daughters have. We're the same mind essentially, but i guess I have strayed from that. I take my mom for granted and its sad that I need day like Mother's day to remember how vast my mom's love really is.
4:00 PM
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I feel like i have a contrite heart of guilt. Burdened by mistakes I have made, decisions I have chosen, actions that I have committed without throughly analyzing the situation. But I think its time for me to move on from things that just hurt me more if I continue to linger in its thoughts. So this is to all the mistakes that I have tried to amend: Im sorry and I'm letting it go.
__________________________
on a better note, things are looking up again! you have been amazing and there's nothing else I can ask for. We overcame odds, encountered the best and worst situations and endured 11 months of ups and downs and frankly, it has been the best 11 months of my life. ILAYO
8:54 PM
I feel like i have a contrite heart of guilt. Burdened by mistakes I have made, decisions I have chosen, actions that I have committed without throughly analyzing the situation. But I think its time for me to move on from things that just hurt me more if I continue to linger in its thoughts. So this is to all the mistakes that I have tried to amend: Im sorry and I'm letting it go.
__________________________
8:54 PM
Friday, May 05, 2006
Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.
Ada Louise Huxtable
_____________________
...it was a blessing to be able to celebrate your 19th with you...
through joys, laughter, pain and sorrow, i will be here for you...
12:19 AM
Ada Louise Huxtable
_____________________
...it was a blessing to be able to celebrate your 19th with you...
through joys, laughter, pain and sorrow, i will be here for you...
12:19 AM