Sunday, May 08, 2005

I"ve had a humbling experience today.. well not so much an experience, but the fact that so many new thoughts came into my head making me realize that I have drifted so far away from God. I don't have the same relationship with God as I once had. I don't know.. i've been so caught up with my own life and my own stresses that I forgot to turn to God. So many headaches and heartaches over issues that could have been dealt with trust. Trusting God. Trusting that He knows what's best for me and He has a plan for me. I keep telling people that, God has a plan for you, God wants the best for you, and I keep telling myself that. But for some reason, I never really believed it. Well, I believed it, but I never really lived for it. These past months have been quite hard. I've had to deal with a bunch of things that I decided to take into my own hands. I tried to take control over situations instead of leaving it to God. God will do his will, i know he will. I just have to learn to realize it. I was sitting in church today and since today is MOther's day, HIlary Price was preaching. She started off by saying that she wanted to pray. She wanted to pray for those in pain. She wanted to pray for those who lost a mother, who lost a child, and for those who feel so far from their child that they might as well be lost. I started to tear up a bit. I've been so distant from my mom. I've had to sneak around her, and do things she doesn't know. I realize that I've become just another girl and my mom doesn't even know me anymore. ITs gotten to a point where her trust in me is hanging by a string. ITs on the verge of being cut. I realized that its my last year that I get to spend as much time as I do now. Next year, im pretty much on my own. I didn't realize how much I really needed my mom and how much she really has done for me. I took her for granted and I realized that I became that child. That child who is so distant. The child that she didn't want me to be. I decided to go back to being the daughter I once was. Become the child of God that I once was. Today, I was talking to her and she kept saying how she was worried. She did the things she did coz she was concerned. She's letting me go in the fall, and she doesn't trust me enough to know that I won't throw away my life on stupid things. I can't say that I won't 100% do stupid things, but I know that I have self control and that I know what the values of life are. I can make it, I know I can. I just have to prove it to her that I am able. Even through recent times of trouble, I neglected my devotions when I needed it most. My prayer is gone. I can't even get through my prayer anymore. I keep asking God to bring my prayer back, to no avail. I really want to be back with God. If youre reading this, please pray for me! pray that my prayer and my time will be returned to me.

Lately, I've been dealing with trust issues. Alot of them. Not only to God but to my friends. I've neglected a lot of friendships and I havn't been the greatest friend. Alot of people are starting to doubt me. I assure you that you guys just have to trust me to know that I know what Im doing. Im not going to just turn around and turn against all my values and priorities. Im not. Iano, I wasn't really aware of how many people actually care for you, until I realized that they've stuck by me in my times of need. Im just really sorry that I havn't really been the friend that I could have been. I could've been a lot better. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own life and taking control of my own life that I neglected to be there for others. If I have hurt anyone, Im sorry. As I try to get back on the right path, I will try to become my old self again. To those who have stuck with me, even when I wasn't the best person to get along with, thanks. You know who you are and you know what you have done for me. And I can't thank you enough.

-pray-
10:47 PM