Tuesday, February 14, 2006

i want to relive those moments in the past that have made me so happy. Those vicious comments, those snarly bodily defiencies that have been made fun of oh so many times, the late nights calls and wake up calls, the coincidental run ins and not so coincidental plans. But especially those times where I was called beautiful and to know that they came from the heart. Ups and downs, highs and lows, I hope fate plays in and brings back the destiny that was meant to be fulfilled. Im just to chicken to initiate anything at this point. But i know it all comes back down to my ultimate decision. Just hope that it is realized that i would still do anything to keep it alive. To bring it all back again.

Valentines Day here in London. Surrounded by love-sick couples in my suite alone. Red Roses everywhere including my room which have to be delivered in a few hours. Love is in the air. But why am i still lonely? Im not supposed to be, not now anyways. Its one of those rare occasions where you have a valentine but can't do anything about it. It sucks. it really does.

Why do I constantly struggle??? I struggle in everything now! seems like nothing is really going my way. Everything is slipping from my fingers and it feels like Im not doing anything to prevent that from happening. This void, this emptiness, continues to haunt me even after all this time. Its like, im caught between doing something or just letting it go. but i don't want to let go. Sometimes its the only thing that's keeping me sane, keeping my hope alive.

I fear that I may one day become Julia Mcnamara, never satisfied, always wanting more. I live a life of fear, fear of regret, fear of failure, fear of damnation but what am i doing to conquer those? nothing. I continue to live in fear masked by happiness and joy. I don't make rational decisions for fear of regret if I make the wrong one. I yearn to move on, to let go but i fear that what I choose to do is not the right path. I know i should learn from my mistakes and what not, but I don't want to make mistakes. I hate mistakes. Im a perfectionist and making mistakes just doesn't not make me feel well. i have never really been this conflicted in my entire life. Im not one to think, not one to think deep anyways. I simply can't do it, can't handle it. But it seems like all i've been doing now is think. Think of where I am and what Im not. Where am I going with this.. whatever, sometimes I just need a vent. I guess I've just been challenged in so mnay different ways that I don't even know what my opinions are anymore. My own thoughts have been influenced by others to do a certain thing or act a certain way.

Focus, focus, focus. Don't throw your life away.
3:21 AM