Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I'm tired.

Tired of all this. Tired of pleasing people and not pleasing me. That's my downfall isn't it? That's what you told me once. That I'm a people pleaser and you said that scared you. Well, now it scares me too.

It's gotten to a point where I am not allowed to pursue the things I want but I am forced to do the things I hate. Seriously, Im going to be burnt out at the end of the summer. I'm forcing myself to do things I don't enjoy. Forced to play something I don't enjoy and obviously don't have a talent for. Forced to partake in a sport that I have clearly been discouraged at for how many years now? And yet they insist on spending that money on something I don't enjoy.

Tired, weary, drained, exhausted. Im just sick of everything right now. I'm sick of keeping my emotions in and giving up myself just so that others are happy. I'm sick of enduring accusations and not doing anything about it. I'm sick of putting up with what other people tell me to do and keeping silent while not being able to ask people to do things for me. It's almost as if anyone can ask me to do anything and I'll make an effort to get it done but when I ask someone to do something for me, I'm pushed aside and left to fend for myself

those who say they care for me the most are the ones that leave me hanging. Those who care for me the most can ask me to do anything. Those who care for me the most expect me to be perfect. Well I'm not. I'm human, I am capable of making mistakes

The way I see it, I'm paying for all my mistakes. Suffering the consequences of all my actions that I have done without thinking. Even petty mistakes I pay for. Its hard for people to forgive me when i make a mistake. Well you know what? Im suffering. I live in torment. I've suffered the hearbreak. I've suffered the pain. I've cried my tears. I've broken down, I've paid my dues. I know I made mistakes in the past, and I will still make them but I'm tired of always being the one who has done something wrong.

I am expected to be perfect. It seems like I am constantly letting people down. Letting them control a part of me. Allowing me to let a part of me go down with them. Slowly, Im losing my mind. And I don't even realize it.

So here are my final apologies *anonymously* :

We were best friends but I let that go. I let you down. I hid things from you and I was not honest with you. I'm sorry for jeopardizing the friendship. Im sorry for taking you for granted. I'm sorry for expecting too much from you. I expected you to always be there for me and when i didn't have your support, I turned my back. I let you down and for that I'm sorry. I know you still don't trust me whole heartedly now and sometimes think that our friensship was a sham but know this, for how long it lasted, we had the best friendship I could have asked for

We're family you and I. We spent many days together and at one point, i was the only person you could trust. Then i left you and neglected you. Literally. I ditched you for others and somehow I always thought that you were always the little guy that would always be there. You grew up. And I missed it. You craved someone to talk to, who would listen to you as you went through life's struggles. And I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there when you needed me the most. You cried out for me and I didn't listen. I'm sorry. I let you down and I've learned my lesson. I promise to always be there for you from now on.

the most turbulent relationship was between us. The extreme highs and the extreme lows. At one point, I thought we conquered it all. But we didn't. Who knew this would be the worst. I hurt you. i lied to you. I destroyed the friendship and destroyed the trust. You expected things from me and I didnt fulfill. I took you for granted and didn't realize the value of your friendship until it was gone. Gone for good. I cried the most for you and paid the consequences. I don't know what else I can do but say my final sorry. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me just like you did once before.

and to you. Possibly the best thing that has happened in my life. You brought me joy when I needed it. You brought me laughter. Brought me support. Through my troubled times, you were there for me. You let me experience something I have never experienced before. A love worth living for. During the days when I am so down, you always manage to bring a smile to my face. Everything I could possibly hope for I got from you and I know that this is real. There have been many times where I made you doubt. Made you question. Made you worry. I know I ask for too much sometimes but you always manage to fulfill them. You've hurt me but you've also loved me. Given most of you to me. You complete what I was missing and for that I am forever grateful. My love, my soulmate, my heart. It pains me when you are upset. Im sorry for making you wait. Im sorry for making you worry. Im constantly irresponsible and Im sorry for not thinking before I act. I'm never going to ask anything from you because I'm giving all of me to you. I am capable of forgiving but I never forget. I've been hurt, but I let it go. Now Im asking you to do the same. For my small, petty mistake. i love you
1:11 AM